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The process of pursuing my dream of studying Somatic Movement Therapy has been a journey in itself, a journey of lessons, safety, decisions and ultimately trusting my instincts and body. I first learned about Somatic Movement Therapy and Laban Movement Analysis when I chanced upon a wonderful program led by Hanna Kamea, (Dance Movement Therapist, Certified Laban Movement Analyst) and Donna Redlick (Certified Laban Movement Analyst, Registered Somatic Movement Therapist/ Educator, etc) in Vancouver, B.C., of West Coast Dance Movement Therapy, now The Movement Arc. I literally signed up and flew out there 2 days later, when the course started. This 8 day course was an amazing introduction that seemed to hold keys to so many questions I had. It dealt with attachment theory, movement and embodiment, safety-sensing, and a route to self-expression and self-experiencing. Once back in Ontario, I deeply wished to continue with this learning, and found another wonderful teacher for part-time learning with, Nadine Saxton, CLMA, RSMT/E, psychotherapist of the Canadian Somatic Center. I attended her 3 hr classes, but I was seeking a bigger program, hungry to complete a full training. Another teacher was willing to come up and teach such a program in Toronto. With deep excitement, I applied and registered. However, at the end of the first 100 hr Intro to Laban Movement Analysis I realised I didn't feel safe in her program, things felt off. She had a way of making people feel uncomfortable, not just myself. Perhaps it should have been obvious on day one, when we were all in group, going around and sharing names and why we wanted to be in this program. She told us the program was like being trapped in a fishbowl, and asked what would we do if the piranhas came. Surprisingly, this was a serious question, and each of answered in turn. In my head I was thinking- "Why are there piranhas? this is really weird...". All previous movement classes with other teachers had been held with underlying acceptance, curiosity and support. This increasingly felt like a dilemma, as on paper it all looked like the perfect program and exactly what I wanted. I spoke to her about my concerns, and was assuaged. Although 5 of the original group of 12 did not return, I wanted this badly and willed it to work out. (cue the life lesson). The next 100 hrs in Bartenieff studies or Body level connections were okay, our talk seemed to have shifted things. The subsequent 100 hrs in Shape theory, relationship and neuroception-of-safety felt off again, in some moments very off, although that off-ness had become normal environment in that class. She told us that attachment theory was just a theory, and people didn't really need others to regulate, that this idea fostered dependency and that too much of people's feelings were getting mixed into movement programs. In an aside to me, she called Bessel van der Kolk an asshole. Then she hinted that perhaps I wanted to uplift a woman instead, a woman like her, and she may have batted her eyelashes (she was southern). All of this left me with a very anxious, troubled feeling. Just before the 4th module I emailed her again about my concerns and got a minimum response. My body increasingly went into a state of panic in the days leading up. The 4th module started, on Efforts, fluid systems and phrasing, and things felt Way, Way Off. One student cowered in her hoodie, with the hood cinched tight around her face, her seated posture curled into a ball. Another, who did not fit the thin ideal looked down a lot, lost heel sit-bone connection, looked unhappy, spoke of body-based anxiety, shifting her pelvis into retreat. Some other were fine, because this teacher had favorites, and they were in that category. By the third day, after a class with a really nasty vibe, I decided I would have to leave. The environment was beginning to feel unreal, I imagined flying monkeys circling in the swirling green storm brewing up in the studio ceiling, minions from the Witch of the West herself. Bad energy was in the room. I don't normally imagine such things, this in itself was a strong indication that a sense of safety had been lost. By the next morning I had decided I need to leave. I had talked about it all the night before w my family, and that was my clear decision. I entered the studio brightly, because she would not wear me down any more. I did notice heaviness, weariness or despondency in some other students. At lunch that day I talked with another student who was as wildly, deeply upset as I was, but she Needed this for her work. I had really wanted this, but I didn't need it. I could not learn this work in such an environment. I would have to unlearn so much of the tone in order to do somatic work safely. Somatic work is about bodies and feelings, psyche and soma, very personal territory, and it needs to be done with respect, safety and care. This pervasive toxicity was none of those things. My abrupt change in direction meant foregoing my dream of completing this program and letting go of the money and time invested (over $10, 000 USD and over 300 hrs). I was in the wrong program and needed to finally trust my gut above my aspirations and get OUT. I left that day. Dramatically. Not long after leaving, I pervasively felt a sense of emptiness, and loss of direction. Every time I re-investigated this situation I knew I had done what I needed to do, but the outcome was hanging, unsolved and meaningless. I kept revisiting the issue for nearly a year, and kept coming up empty-handed. Then covid hit. Stuck at home and still wondering, I was back to looking at other programs. After looking for weeks, I finally felt brave enough to reach out to a new teacher. All kinds of anxiety surrounded that decision, but I did it. I am really grateful that my next teacher was Dr Martha Eddy (CMA, RSMT/E, PhD). Her program is Dynamic Embodiment Somatic Movement Therapy, she had been teaching out of NYC for decades. Her program is hybrid online and in-person mix. She weaves together: Embodied Anatomy and Physiology (BMC work), Laban Movement Analysis and Bartenieff, Authentic Movement, and other modalities and guest teachers. She has a strong commitment and course component in socially engaged somatics/ somatic social justice and that was a fit. She is caring, respectful, deeply knowledgeable and talented. Funnily, she takes people into the Dynamic Embodiment program with 300 hrs of prior hours. I had 324! She also draws really good people into her program. Since leaving the previous program, I have had confirmation that 4 of the other 5 who left before me, also left because they didn't feel safe. This whole experience has been very affirming for me, to listen to my gut, my sense of safety and wellness, my values, despite what authority or appearances may say. This is a lesson of self-authority, of choosing a path that works for me. My lessons about self-respect: This is obvious, and very important: Listen to your body. Listen to red flags. This lesson was actually present in a romantic relationship around that time, and is something I really needed to learn. Foregoing what feels safe in order to have a particular outcome is never a good idea. In fact, there is self-honouring in saying no to red flags and situations that regularly leave you feeling afraid or wrong for being who you are. There is the possibility of a growing sense of self-respect and self-care. My commitment to creating safety: I have seen the way bodies shrink in fear and judgement, and have felt this in myself. Somatic work is PERSONAL and can feel vulnerable. We are being seen in a way that may rarely happen in life. We are working with bodies, feelings and potentially history. All are very personal territory. This work must be held in the utmost respect for everyone. Period. Safety is important, the idea of "neuro-ception of safety" is key here. Safety is not just physical, like a lack of things to trip on on a studio floor. Safety is relational, it is built through communication and negotiated via check-ins that seek to measure and adjust to create safety. Safety is welcoming, it says you belong and will be respected as you are. Safety may have boundaries and expectations that are clearly defined. Safety is granting of agency. There is much more that one could write about safety and I will not write that book here, but it is my commitment to always approach this work in a way to upholds the sense of safety of everyone who entrusts themselves with me. originally written 28/12/2020 Update: graduated DESMTT 11/2022, registered with ISMETA
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